The Positive Side of “No”

Parents and teachers often get ruffled when a child tells us “no”. We tend to interpret it as direct disobedience or a challenge to our authority. Over the weekend I attended a conference which gave me a different perspective and changed my opinion.

The keynote speaker was Bill Corbett of Cooperative Kids. He stressed the importance of teaching children to say “no” respectfully. The ability to say “no” with confidence is a powerful defense against peer pressure, among other things. As the mother of a little girl, the “among other things” is what really got my attention!

The catch is, in order to be able to say “no” to people out in the real world, we first have to allow them to say “no” to us. It is with us that children first learn and practice new skills, and as we all know, saying “no” is a skill. After all, haven’t we all ended up chaperoning a party, organizing an event, _____ (fill in the blank with any other favor someone may have asked of you) when we really didn’t want or intend to?

So, the next time your child tells you “no”, try not to think of it as the beginning of the end of your reign as parent (or teacher). Think of it as a child’s attempt at showing some independence and support that attempt. Now, supporting that attempt doesn’t mean giving in. It just means acknowledging that you hear the child.

Here are some steps to navigating that “no”:

1. Acknowledge the attempt at independence- “I understand you don’t want to stop playing with the trains right now, but it’s time for dinner.”
2. Model respectful ways to say “no” in your reply- Try the phrases Mr. Corbett suggests, “I’m not willing to leave our dinner on the table to get cold while you play.” The other phrase is “I’m not ready…” I’m not ready for you to have a sleepover yet.
3. Be willing to negotiate a reasonable compromise- remember your ultimate goal is to nurture a confident, independent and cooperative child. If you end up giving your child two more minutes to play with the trains while you put the dinner on the table, you didn’t really loose the battle, and you did give your child a boost of confidence in their ability to stand up for themselves.

Another tip Mr. Corbett gives is to have your child repeat back whatever agreement you come to. Human nature is such that we are much more likely to follow through if we verbalize the task.

I tried this technique with my daughter and was shocked at how effective it was. Give it a try! And if you have a chance to attend one of Cooperative Kids’ seminars, do it. It never hurts to add to our discipline tool box!